Unfortunately, Grandstand didn’t include an “ask aliens if this is just a misunderstanding about government memos or something” button, so blowing them up is pretty much the only option (meekly acquiescing to their demands by leaving your ship completely unattended is also a potential strategy, but not a massively entertaining one). No, what you need to do is utilise the thoughtfully provided lefty-righty joystick - your craft is mired at the bottom of the screen due to an inopportune engine failure, or gravity, or something, so those are the only directions available - and go to town on the exceptionally pressable fire button. Honestly, it’s so inviting. The only possible way it could be better is if it were bright red and adorned with an encouraging message like “NUKE!” or “LAUNCH TORPEDOES.” Even without any bombastic sloganeering, it’s still a satisfying way to introduce laser death to your foes.

 

Any serious lepidopterophobics may wish to look away now, because moments after launching Astro Wars it becomes clear that the initial waves of attackers look uncannily like butterflies with overly stern faces. For a while it may seem as though they’re content to flap hopelessly near the top of the screen, soaking up beams of punishment - but beware, because quicker than you can say “argh, it’s flapping in my face I can see its tiny legs!” a deadly insect will detach itself from the brood and descend menacingly towards your position. In these instances it’s necessary to either put a fatal end to their drunken weave through the atmosphere, or dodge out of the way (a risky business, because the winged horrors tend to flail around for a while in your general proximity before disappearing). Come to think of it, the controllable ship is a bit like a misshapen, green caterpillar. If the galaxies and planets which decorate the box were swapped for mystical creatures of the forest, this could probably be duel-marketed as Flower Fairy Firestorm.

 

 

Err ... yes, anyway. The butterfly/alien grunt barrier accounts for stage one of the four stage cycle. Once they’ve been safely incinerated it’s onwards to stage two, which, to be quite honest, will be rather familiar to anyone with a long enough memory to recall stage one. Rather than a swarm of opponents though, it’s now a one-on-one battle as an identical (but slightly more skilled) sprite makes its aggressive way down the screen. There must be some deep psychological basis for all these games which incessantly tumble things down on the player’s head. Maybe it symbolises the crippling fear of our hopes and dreams suddenly collapsing. There’s no time to dwell on these dark thoughts though, because once enough of these mid-rank warships have been seen off it’s time to face the final test (until you have to go through each step again, that is).

 

Lurking at the furthest reaches of the battlefield throughout your trials have been